The Dynamic Duo
The dynamic duo of being binge-free combined with working out has been the key to a happier me. I feel better in mind, body and spirit. It hasn’t been easy and I know I’m facing an uphill battle, but as of this moment, I’m up for the fight.
I have been a compulsive (over)eater for 30+ years, although it never occurred to me I had an eating disorder, I thought I just had a sweet tooth all that time.
At 5’3”, my weight has been as high as 172 and as low as 105. Like many women, during my high school and adult years, I have moved between those numbers like a yo-yo due to my obsession with food. One thing that I think has always helped me is that I’ve always been athletic. I’ve always worked out on my own or at a gym. Fortunately, I’ve been at the low end of that weight range for a little over a year, which simply means you wouldn’t know by looking at me how fanatical I am with food and how badly I struggle with food issues every day of my life.
Though I played sports all through school and dabbled in various types of exercise over the years, I became a runner back in ’96. I ran as my sole form of exercise for 11 years, including running a marathon. You’d think I would have been as thin as a rail from all the miles I ran, but my eating disorder (in hindsight) kept the weight on. I’m sure I was healthier from all the running, but mentally and spiritually I still was not happy. Due to a torn meniscus in my knee diagnosis a little over two years ago, I had to cut my running down to part time. I joined a gym and included strength training and various other forms of cardio to my workout regime. Wow, what a difference that has made to my 40-year old, having-two-kids body! Who knew?!
It wasn’t until I recognized and embraced that I had an eating disorder two years ago, admitted it to my husband, started going to OA meetings and saw a therapist, that I could finally reign in my eating and reap the benefits of my working out at the gym 3-4 days a week. Being honest was liberating then and it still is now.
I have now been binge-free for close to two years. I feel good about myself and like what I see when I look in the mirror. But more important than how I look, is how I feel. I didn’t like how I felt when I was binging. I would feel horrible, mentally, physically and spiritually. I was very down on myself and of course self-medicated with more food. Every day I would vow it would be the last binge and that I would start eating sensibly the next day, but sadly, it took me a long time to get to the place in my head where I needed to be to really make that happen.
Of course my greatest fear is going back to the binging cycle. I never had a normal relationship with food, but heaven help me, I will continue to learn how to fight this eating disorder and remain in recovery. My goal is to keep learning and improving myself so that I can perhaps have a semi-normal relationship with food as time goes on.
I hope this dynamic duo sticks around for a while. I am the only one who can make that happen. One day at a time.
If you would like to read more about my daily struggles of being a compulsive eater, I invite you to check out my blog at Confessions of a Compulsive Eater.
Who am I? Im an anonymous blogger who is happily married with two kids. I feel like discovering that I was a compulsive overeater almost two years ago was a giant stepping stone in my personal growth as a woman. I am now close to two years of being what OA’ers call abstinent, or binge-free. However, every day is a struggle. My gym workouts help to keep me sane and give me balance.