Mon, Mar 19, 2012
I’m very prideful about the fact I ask for what I need.
Specifically, clearly & in the moment.
Long day of work & Im feeling insecure about my writing?
“Tell me I rock & my words are amazing!”
All gussied up for a (his) work event? Feeling a little awkwardtastic?
“Tell me I look bad-ass and yet still completely like myself.”
Working 24/7 & bringing home the (turkey)bacon in the form of…tinybacons?
“Tell me it is not at all about the money. Remind me it’s about the people we help while we’re here.”*
The problem I encounter is my *asking* for what I need may be good, but the
longass circuitous way I go about it is not.
I tend to lose Ren Man as I ramble.
All of this clicked for me recently as I searched for the laundry tag in a piece of his clothing.
I could keep asking for what I needed—but we both might be better served if I consolidated it into fewer words.
Ala this Einstein quote:
If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.
If I couldnt ‘laundry tag’ my emotional needs (& needed to ramble) perhaps I didnt understand them well enough either.
Maybe *I* should invest time distilling them down to their basic essence—for me.
And this is what I came up with:
- Lots of laughter
- Being acknowledged & heard
- Alone time to recharge
I wont lie to you.
My process was a long and ugly one.
It was challenging to come up with my basic emotional needs in a terse fashion AND have few enough to fit on a hang-tag.
The struggle, however, is forced me to prioritize my needs.
I began with something which resembled a laundry list & eliminated till I had the three above.
What did I learn from this exercise? (thanks for asking!)
- I need to be more clear and concise—in all facets of my life. This exercise was a reminder if I dont know exactly what I want and need no one else will either. I can grow frustrated with people not giving me what I want, yet it hadnt occurred to me I wasn’t telling them in words they could understand. Non-verbose ones.
- Be bold and ballsy. It’s easy with this exercise to think “well Id want that and Id put it on my tag—but it’s not happening. It wont ever happen. Ill leave it off.” You may be right, but not asking for what you need guarantees you wont receive it.
- It’s kind of a mini-vision board. Ive started visualizing my ‘tag’ hanging on the insides of my clothing (I crazy that way). To this end I’m consistently sending the world cues as to what I want & need *and* it can flow back to me.
- Dont settle for what is offered...when you’ve not asked for what you desire! In this exercise we’re talking emotional needs, but this concept is applicable throughout our lives. Yes you may ask and not receive just dont settle for only what’s offered to you.
- Remember to read other people’s labels. Beyond the fact it’s important not to be so consumed by identifying your needs you forget others’—-when we are empathic we feel connected. When Ive worked with women’s groups I consistently hear lamented the lack of feeling connected. (OK so I wanna add that to my label now, too. Feeling connected.)
I learned a great deal about myself from this exercise.
I forced myself to identify & choose what’s really important to me emotionally (when eliminating ‘needs’ I weighed two with regards to their importance to me, eliminated the lesser and moved on) and found I’d been rambling a lot more than I’d been working to meet needs.
If you created a self-care laundry tag—what would it say?
Is this list something you know immediately or do you, as I did, need to work the ‘process of elimination’ to figure it out?
Please tell me you, too, have pretty much given up on reading the real laundry tags & just cram everything in at once.
**Ive received a number of emails recently asking how I can relate to your weight struggles if Im not currently fitness-struggling.
I have a post about this
in draftscoming soon. I do struggle on a daily basis with this money = worth notion. In my experience struggling is universal. The specifics of our struggles are almost secondary.